


trapped in the state of imaginary grace

by wyverary



Series: i'm choosing my confessions [1]
Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: 90's AU, Ableism, Abusive Parents, Asian thea, Deaf Character, Disabled Character, F/F, Hanschen Melitta and Thea are siblings, Physical & Emotional Abuse (mentioned), Swearing, Underage Smoking, audism, deaf thea, disabled anna, lesbian thea
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-08-01
Packaged: 2018-07-28 17:57:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7650841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyverary/pseuds/wyverary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Anna and Thea sit in silence on a highwire with nowhere to go</p><p>there's no clear path</p><p>(theanna & spring awakening in 1995)</p>
            </blockquote>





	trapped in the state of imaginary grace

**Author's Note:**

> frank wedekind is dead & steven sater is a little bitch i own these assholes now theyre mine + thea and anna are gay thanks thats the fic
> 
> look it's hard enough to write the 90s but 1995 germany would just be pushing it so it's set somewhere in the midwestern u.s.  
> im doing my best but i sUcK aT sUmMaRiEs LOL XD  
> a lot of this feels rly Edgy™ im just trying to make them angsty teens pls dont call me banksy  
> kimiko glenn /is/ thea for me??? jsyk  
> some disclaimers:  
> \- im physically abled & hearing so if i mess some shit up/my language is bad pls tell me  
> \- wendlas seinfeld quirk is based on an irl friend of mine i could not explain the reasoning to you if i tried  
> \- title is from "i melt with you" by modern english what a classic jam  
> \- this is a long a/n

_Do you ever think of the future? Do you ever want kids?_

Thea stuck her cigarette in her mouth to sign to Anna. 

Anna had seemed nervous at first when Martha and Georg and Melchior had invited her to smoke back in 8th grade, so much that by now they stopped asking. That shouldn't have made her feel as lonely as it did, especially now that she was a 16 year old.

Somehow, Thea sensed how she felt and brought her along when her parents were out. Eventually Anna got used to smoking. She would never do it herself, but it wasn't a big deal, and spending time with Thea was its own addictive pastime.

Anna glanced at Thea stretched out on her bed, plain white covers in a sea of pink walls. She faced Anna on her stomach with her head toward the end of the bed and hightopped feet crossed behind her. Smoke curled in front of her face and up to the ceiling. The image of an uncaring teenager.

“Sometimes. I know I'd spoil them if I had them. I wouldn't be able to stop myself,” Anna said.

Thea replied, _You're just too good for anybody. They’d take advantage. People are greedy at any age._

Anna looked into Thea’s eyes from her wheelchair parked at the foot of the bed. She was staring at her sadly. Anna read the _im always worried about you and i hate myself for it_ in her dark irises.

It hurt her when Thea gave that look. She looked like a caged animal. Anna knew logically that Mr. Rilow had done a number on her from the time she was born, that she wasn't the one who trapped her, but it was still heartbreaking when Thea thought she had to hide from her. 

Most people couldn't see through Thea’s practiced bitchiness and hard shell, but Anna was in tune with her by now. Besides, it wasn't that Thea never let her guard down; she felt safe enough among the rest of the girls to be excited and expressive. The issue was that her excitement was so rare nowadays. The teenage years were fucking everyone over.

There wasn't much more to say after that. Thea sucked on her cigarette and sighed, breath after breath. The room was a dream. A haze of smoke covered everything until it seemed soft. Anna melted into herself and almost felt guilty as she slid into sleep. Thea shouldn't be alone.

* * *

It wasn't as if she could hear the music from the tape deck, but it was more for the aesthetic than anything. It’s a staple for 90’s teens. Even if you're deaf. 

Anna had been the only one who came along with Thea and her 15 year old birthday money to the bargain shop downtown (Melitta had to study for her junior year, Martha was ~~roughed up~~ sick, etc.). Thea had known for as long as she’d been a Rilow that she could go for the high end stores with their bright-colored headphones and brand new block phones, but, again, aesthetic. 

Anna didn't question those things. It seemed as long as she had room to wheel around she would follow Thea into the depths of their shitty suburb. Thea wished her heart didn't flutter when she imagined Anna following her out of this town. If they could get out, neither one of them would be stuck inside this charade. No more hiding, but also no more bullshit surrounding them.

Being a teenage lesbian in a minuscule suburb, with rich, conservative parents was one thing. Having those feelings hanging over her head, about to crush her as Anna fiddled with the buttons on the pale pink cassette player, was another. 

Thea took a breath. She fished the money out of the tight pocket of her jeans.

She added a pack of gum next to the tape deck. 

She stepped back as Anna did the talking. 

She curled herself into her pleather jacket. 

It was fine.

* * *

Anna felt guilty every time she saw the pink cassette player on Thea's nightstand. She couldn't use it herself, but she'd gotten it purely because Anna had liked it. What the fuck.

Anna felt even more guilty thinking about how shit it is when you can't make sappy mix tape playlists for your crush. She didn't blame Thea; that would be incredibly fucked up. Anna would never think of her deafness as an inconvenience. No, it was more that she wished she had the option of letting music do the talking for her. 

Gay feelings were hard to discuss out in the open. Maybe that was why they kept skirting around each other.

Honestly, Anna was sure that Thea knew how she felt about her, and that she felt the same way, but they never talked about it. They weren't free to act on their feelings. Ever. Why? God knows there were logical reasons, but none of them seemed to add up to the plain fact that they were both just terrified of getting too close.

Anna wanted to scream. Friendship was perfectly fine for her in general; she had no problems with that kind of closeness, so why were romantic feelings so different? Why did her life make no sense? 

Why couldn't she get her head out of the clouds for just enough time to get her shit together. Fuck.

* * *

Thea was a bastard child, an asian kid with white parents, and bastard children get hit. 

But then, all children got hit.

 _Discipline,_ her uncle said.

She hadn't realized before, but “physical discipline” was bullshit. She saw that in the way Hanschen locked himself away and stood tall with bruises on his back, how her mother got that helpless look in her eye whenever dad turned on his kids (she never got that same look when he turned on her, the love of his life. she just looked numb then.). Thea felt it in the way she couldn't hear any of the shouting, but knew exactly what he was saying, felt his tugging at her ears. It would have been funny, if it were anywhere near funny. Blood dripping down the walls and hiding in the corners didn't make anybody laugh.

Melitta was a year older than both her siblings, and neither Thea nor Hanschen new what life was like for her before they came along, but she always found a way out. She was never scared. She would be threatened and she would walk away, and she was never bothered in the girls’ shared room. Dad knew his first-born child was untouchable somehow.

Thea didn't resent her for it. 

She wished she did.

She knew she should've.

But Melitta was always there to hug and cry on and comfort them when they needed it most. She couldn't defend them, but she could carry them.

* * *

Anna hated coming to Thea’s house. She loved hanging out with her, being welcomed into her space, not feeling outcast. Not being left behind due to her limited mobility. There was nowhere she couldn't reach. Still, they both jumped when the house shook from slammed doors. Thea was still sore from hands around her elbows, bruising her as raised voices tried to force their way in. She was numb to it all. 

Anna could tell from her body whenever she’d been freshly screwed over. Most people might be hunched over; they might feel weak enough to let it paint them a completely helpless color. Thea sat with her shoulders back and her head held high. Pride kept her safe.

Anna wished _she_ could keep her safe, but what the fuck could she do? She couldn't ignore it, but Thea couldn't stand the idea of being pitied.

So they ignored it and sat on her bed together, watching captioned VHS tapes of The X Files. A lot of the time, Melitta, Martha, and Wendla joined them (most of them unaware of the fact that they were crushing hard on Gillian Anderson). Ilse, too, before she dropped off the face of the Earth. Anna wouldn't find out exactly what went down until it was too late to take back the heartless criticism they threw around.

Wendla, being Jewish, refused to watch Seinfeld. Nobody quite understood her grudge against it, but it didn't matter to any of them. They were too young and innocent to appreciate the relief that comedy pretended to bring.

* * *

When they first kissed on a cold day in December, warm clothes thrown aside in Anna’s room, lying on their sides on her soft comforter, Thea felt the burning taste of freedom; a freedom where hot coals singed her tongue. Where flames fluttered all over her skin. Where her eyes were closed, but she felt Anna's smile and her hands gently holding her neck. Her hands sliding down and cradling her bruised arms. 

(anna couldve hurt her in that vulnerable position but her touch was lighter than air)

Her blood-soaked cage burned into nothing.

* * *

Anna didn't think she could really want more from Thea. Just being together and knowing what they felt for each other (and making out) was so satisfying.

But people never stop wanting. People are greedy at any age. 

More than anything, Anna wanted Thea to forget about waiting for adults to tell her what she should be. She wanted her to roam free, and she wanted to follow her.

**Author's Note:**

> i was born in 2000


End file.
